being lonely really sucks (10/19/24)

sleeping off the feeling did NOT help

There's days where I embrace the loneliness, and I don't mind it at all. But lately it's been one of those days where my heart just hurts and I wished my life was a little more fulfilling and I was more sociable. I feel so behind compared to my peers. It's true that once you get out of school, it's much harder to make friends. And it doesn't help at all if I'm in my house all day, everyday. The only time I ever really go out is when my family and I go to church. We mostly do vacation trips in the summer. And that's it, that's all. I can't really go out on my own since I don't have a form of transportation to do so, and there's not much to really do in town, so I'm kind of in a rut here I guess. Post-covid made me more socially inept, and it's gotten so much harder for me to really have a genuine conversation with people. It frustrates me so much that I struggle to connect to the people I talk to to the point where it just makes me want to cry. It feels so awkward when you can't relate to something that seems so common to experience.

I want to believe that there'll come a time where things get better. No doubt it's gonna take years, but I know eventually I'll be a little less lonely, and hell, maybe even more happy again. I just hope that my mind stays patient.

I only know that this feeling will get worse once the weather gets colder. My mental health seems to go down to dogshit during the months of November-December, and I'm scared I'll end up resorting to very unhealthy habits again. All I hope is that I don't do anything really stupid.